Have you ever seen the movie "I, Robot?" You know that part where the cop is talking to the holograph of the dead doc, asking him questions? Sometimes the holograph answered, sometimes it didn't understand the question. But a few times it would respond, "That is the right question," and shut down, leaving the cop to try to figure out the answer himself.
God's like that sometimes. Oh, not the "leaving us to figure it out ourselves" part. He listens to our questions and answers them, sometimes right away, sometimes not for a while, and sometimes not with the answer we were looking for. But every once in a while, we finally ask the question that He was hoping we'd ask all along, and He says with a glint in His eye, "That is the right question!" and blows you away with the life changing answer.
That happened to me yesterday. I decided to skip church (gasp! heathen!) and just go out to the woods to be alone with Jesus. I had some questions that I've been almost asking, but honestly wanted to be away from any living soul when I did so, cause they were really personal on a deep heart level. It's the same question all women ask, but are afraid to ask out loud, even to God sometimes.
"Am I Beautiful?"
Us good Christian girls know that God's answer is "Yes." But sometimes, it just doesn't feel like enough. It's hard to admit that; it goes against every ounce of my religious training to think that God's answer isn't enough for my heart. It should be, I mean, He's God! He's the one that created me, so I'm pretty sure it's really only up to Him to tell me if I'm beautiful or not.
But truthfully, I want a flesh-and-blood man to tell me so. To date, I've yet to run out of fingers and toes counting the times a single man has told me I'm beautiful, and I've never been asked out by a man my age (sixty year old creepers at the library don't count). There really is power in the spoken word; but the unspoken word also holds a lot of weight, especially to a woman's mind and heart. When no one speaks out the truth, we are slowly led to believe that the opposite is true. It's just simple logic: if no one calls me beautiful, I must not be. (Lord, protect Your daughters from false truths!!)
I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of fighting supposed truths that make me feel less than my spirit says I am. So I went to the woods yesterday to ask God all the ugly questions. I started off asking the usual: Am I beautiful, will a man ever call me beautiful, when will a man call me beautiful and pursue me? And then, I found myself asking: "Why do I feel so desperate to be called beautiful by others?"
That was the right question.
God answered: "Because I do, too."
Last week at the women's Bible study at my church, my friend Amy reminded us that a woman's heart reflects a part of who God is that men just can't express. Men are really great at expressing God's strength and protection and provision; women were created to show God's passion, mercy, gentleness, and yes-beauty. And in this season of my life, my woman's heart is also reflecting the desire of God to be wanted, acknowledged, honored and adored.
I sometimes have a hard time understanding that God wants to be praised. It seems...well, it seems selfish. If I ever admitted that I wanted to be praised, people would call me selfish, self-centered, egotistical. So of course, if I would be called selfish for doing these things, then wouldn't that make God selfish too? (This is where I realize the irony that me thinking that I should compare God to myself, and not the other way 'round, is in itself self-centered and egotistical...). God SHOULD be praised, because out of everything and anything that has ever existed, He is the only one who legitimately deserves it. He is the perfect, uncreated Creator who loves me even though I'm human. The fact that He is good and holy and merciful and righteous and just and true does not change if we don't tell Him; God is not human that He would be insecure about who He Is if no one compliments Him. But that doesn't mean that He doesn't like it when we do praise and honor Him.
Think of the last time you praised someone, for their accomplishment, their beauty, their strength. Did it make them feel honored and loved? Probably. Did it make you feel good to see the person you love feel loved? Also probably. It really benefits both parties involved; and God knows this. He knows how important it is to voice Truth, and how important it is to have Truth spoken over you. But for some reason we have a hard time asking for someone to tell us the Truth. We'll give it out in droves, but the instant someone starts to praise us, we get bashful and embarrassed and try to make ourselves out to be less than we are. I am the worst at this!
I wonder if this is really what false humility is. It's not just pretending to be humble when everyone can tell that you're pompously thinking "well, of course I am!" But it's also when even I think I'm being humble because I'm truly embarrassed to be called out for something great I did. True humility would say, "Thank you. I AM really good at this, but only because God made me so, and it brings both me and Him pleasure when I do it." Who first put it into our modern-day religion that we can't accept praise? Where did I learn it from? No one ever explicitly said, "Sara, if anyone says to you, 'hey, great job with that,' it is a sin if you don't instantly find some way to discredit yourself." But we all think it. And it's just a big ugly lie.
I am beautiful. I also want to be told that I am beautiful. But the difference between me wanting to be told I was beautiful on Saturday to me wanting to be told I am beautiful today is in the heart behind the question. Saturday I wanted a young man to tell me I was beautiful because I truly thought that I wasn't beautiful unless he told me so. I didn't realize how much importance I was giving to this fact (fact, not Truth). I've asked God many, many a time why I'm in my late 20's and have never gone on a date, and His response usually was because He is jealous for me. I thought that meant that He wanted to keep my heart safe from many unnecessary break-ups, or from the heartache of finding out that men really do think I'm unattractive. But Sunday I realized that He was really jealous that I discover my true worth in just knowing that He made me to be me, and that I can't be any more beautiful than the person He truly made when He created Sara Beth Wagner.
Today, I'm still struggling to believe that I'm beautiful without someone telling me so. I'll probably still struggle with it for a long time. But I now have better ammunition to fight against the lies, and believe me, this woman is going to fight! Because I am not just fighting to believe that I am beautiful. I am fighting to represent God's heart in the way that I was created to. I am fighting not just for my honor, but for God's. Because the most beautiful thing I can think of is the twinkle in His eyes when I tell Him, "I love You."
