Then towards the end of the service one of my dear lovely teens came up behind me and wordlessly gave me a leftover doughnut hole from the coffee shop. Just one. But it was my favorite kind, and as I'd been at church since 8am my stomach was getting a bit restless. I smiled at her in thanks (Jim was still preaching, so couldn't talk very loud), and bit into the doughnut. As I enjoyed the bite, I thanked God for the small morsel that held my hunger at bay for a little while longer till it was lunchtime. And He told me right back:
"I will give you what you need when you need it."
I paused mid-chew, amazed that I had heard Him so clearly, and that He had actually given me a new promise when I was avoiding asking Him for one. And it wasn't just a random promise out of the blue; I knew this one was supposed to be for the upcoming season in my life. I had just purchased a new-to-me truck, and the monthly payments on it were going to be a little more than I had anticipated, especially since I'd just moved into a new apartment where the rent is a little higher than I'm used to paying, adding on a few of those extra amenities like heating and electric and internet to pay for. But there it was clearly: God was going to give me exactly what I need exactly when I needed it.
I've walked with God hopefully for long enough now to know the difference between a true "Need" and a desired "Want." Sometimes, the wants seem terribly like needs, but really we can do without them. But something about the fierce love and claim that was in God's voice when He spoke His promise to me let me know that when the going got tough in the next season, I didn't have to worry about the true needs, that He would supply.
And boy, have I needed that Promise!
Unexpectedly, the sales tax on my truck hit me like a sledgehammer. And I didn't have the money to pay it. "Lord, where am I going to get this money in three days?!!" And with the largest bite of humble pie, I called my parents, who graciously loaned me the amount I needed. Boy, talk about something I didn't want, but definitely needed!! I'm almost 30 years old (yes, I know, I look much younger). I shouldn't have to go asking my parents for money! It was bad enough when I thought I wouldn't be able to get a loan without my dad co-signing for me, but having to swallow my pride and go to the bank with my mom so she could get out several hundred dollars in cash was quite a dreadful experience.
But...God gave me what I needed when I needed it, even though it wasn't the way I wanted it to happen.
About a month ago at work, we found out that a great co-worker and friend was moving to another job. We, along with several others at the branch, made a great team, pioneering several new and/or improved programs and ideas at our branch, and to honestly become better at our jobs by simply encouraging each other. I had always said to other coworkers that I never wanted to be an assistant manager, but if he ever became manager, I'd apply in a heartbeat. The day he told us he was leaving for another branch, he pointedly reminded me that the assistant manager position was still open...twice. I got the hint, but was reluctant to apply. Did I have it in me to be in a manager position at a library, even if it was only as an assistant?
After long talks with several people that I trust and respect, I went ahead and applied. And then proceeded to get really, really, really excited about it. I did research on the area of town where the branch is located, searching out their school website and finding new ways to interact with the community up there. The town looked great, the job looked great, and the pay raise looked great.
The only thing that wasn't great...my nice, new little truck gets 14 miles to the gallon...and the branch is almost 30 miles one way from my newly signed one-year lease apartment.
I talked to several people about it, and almost everyone said that this sounded like the perfect opportunity for me. I did my homework for the interview (and had a blast doing it, I'm such a dork), and thought the actual interview went really well.
But the thing that got me the most about the whole process wasn't the job or the preparation, it was the butterflies in my stomach. I haven't been this worried since senior year of high school agonizing over the biggest decision of my life: what to do next year. My mantra back then was Matthew 6:32-33..."Your heavenly Father knows what you need. Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." I realized that something in my heart desperately wanted God to be a part of this whole thing. So I prayed and worshiped and chose to focus on my Jesus instead of the job. It was hard, believe me! Every five minutes or so I would remember why I was praying and the butterflies would churn up the hurricane in my stomach again (What if they did hire me? When will I start? To whom will I leave my numerous duties at my current branch? Will I be adequate enough to do the job? What if they didn't choose me? Are they thinking right now about how I'm inadequate for the job?)
But as I gave voice each one of those dangerous little butterflies (or should I call them buttery-lies?), I realized that none of them made me feel as loved and content and peaceful like I did when I was with the One who promised to take care of my needs.
If I was to get this job, it would be because my Promiser made it happen. And what my Promiser wanted to happen did....
I didn't get the job.
Is my heart broken? Yes. Am I disappointed? Highly. Am I having to summon up a single iota of excitement for the same ole tasks I've been doing for forever (cough...a year and a half...cough cough) at my now still same branch? Definitely.
Am I thankful that God made this happen? I have never been more sure about anything in my life.
Because it wasn't my friend and former co-worker who made the final decision, nor was it his boss. It wasn't my lack of managerial experience (because honestly, I don't have a lot of experience; I was kinda hoping the new job would provide it for me), nor was it the fact that the person who got the job has a degree in Library Science. It was God's decision to not give me the job. Probably because I was starting to look at the job as being the catalyst for my provision.
I am down to the last few pages of my current journal (this ties in, I promise). With my finances such as they are this month, I'm pinching pennies to fill my tank with gas, let alone to buy a new journal. But I found myself in Barnes and Nobel this weekend and decided to browse, cause I'm a sucker for unlined parchment bound in leather. There was one journal that was exactly the kind I'd been looking for, but price on the back of the book was $12, or, to put it in perspective...4 gallons of milk. I put it down to keep looking, finding other journals with almost half the pages yet costing much more. I went back to the first one, thinking it was better than nothing; and there, on the front of the book, was a discounted price sticker saying it was $5.
"I will give you what you need when you need it. Even if it's something as small as a journal, or something as large as the money to pay for your truck."
And I trust Him to do as He says. Because He loves me, and has proven Himself faithful. He is my inheritance, and that's all I need to know.
"Lord, You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
Psalm 16:5-6
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