What would happen if at the end of each day I wrote down each and every thought that went through my mind? Would I be able to share each thought with others? Would I be ashamed to show anyone anything that I wrote down?
I'm a thinker. I think about a mile a second (some of my coworkers and my closest friends can attest to this). But I'm also a dreamer, an Imaginarian, if you will. Sometimes, my imagination let's me see things in ways I wouldn't have before. It gives me creative ways to describe how I'm feeling and how I see the world and the people around me. Honestly, I would rather write this whole blog entry as an allegory, it would come out much easier than me just saying it like it is. I don't have words for "like it is", but I could write you a whole story about a girl who had a hard time speaking but once she began singing... actually, now that I think about, I did start writing such a story, I should keep working on that.
But sometimes, when I don't want to connect with the "like it is", I escape to dreaming. And sometimes the dreaming leads to imagining how things should be, how they could be, how they might be. The problem is- most of the time, I don't do this dreaming with God. The dreams I come up with, honestly they probably won't happen. But I spend my time thinking about them anyway. Essentially, I am telling God, "Yeah, Your idea for this story of my life is ok and all, but I think it would be better if it went like this..." I'm putting my own imagination above the Great Imaginarian that thought all of creation up in the first place.
At some point, I wake up from my dreams, and find that I don't really like myself for thinking them, but also find that story I'm supposed to be living is duller, less vivid and alive. That I'm less alive than I was a few years ago. When did that start happening? How do I get color and excitement and respect for my story back again?
The thing is, God already writes down each and every single one of my thoughts. My good ideas, my bad ones. My life-giving dreams, and the ones that, upon reflection, bring me disappointment and shame. He sees them all. If I really understood that, why am I just letting my imagination run wild?
If I started writing my thoughts down, being truly honest with myself of each and every one of them (that I honestly can remember), maybe it will change how I think throughout the day. Maybe I'll start daydreaming and suddenly think, I'll have to write this down tonight. Will I have the courage and strength to stop if I recognize that the current train of thought isn't one I'd want God to write down, or other people to read if I wrote it down? Some of my dreams are nice ones, seemingly innocent little day-dreams that are pleasant to imagine after a long day. But imagining I'm Cinderella for an hour before I fall asleep doesn't actually make my Prince show up at the door; instead it makes me bitter and filled with self-pity when I look at my less-than-romantic life and ask God, "Where is he, already?!" (As if God would send me my Prince, or anything else I demanded, in any other time-frame than His own.) I don't want that, that's not who I am, and it's not how I'm meant to live life.
If I start keeping myself accountable to what I am thinking, maybe I'll be able to recognize the things I allow into my thoughts, say "NO" to the ones that lead me to prideful despair, and instead catch Jesus' eye and say "What are You thinking about right now?" I know from experience that this is a way better way to think through life...why did I stop?
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