Wanderlust

I was sadly reminded today that I love adventure. Why "sadly," you ask? Because I haven't gone on an adventure in a long time. If I didn't have to worry about money, I honestly wouldn't be here anymore. If I didn't have to worry about the stigmata (and the genuine danger) of a single young woman traveling alone, I definitely wouldn't be here any more!

I want to backpack across Europe. Not because it's the cool thing to do, but because I love Europe, and what better way to get to know it than sleeping rough, learning a new language while you milk a random farmer's cow in payment for sleeping in his barn and eating breakfast with his family, walking to the next country using only the sun and stars as your compass.

I want to go to New Zealand for a while. Just to be able to cry at the sheer beauty of it. To be able to experience the culture(s) of people who live completely on the other side of the world from me, and to realize how big my world really is.

I want to live in the UK. I've been saying that for so many years, and it breaks my heart a little bit more each time I realize how long it's been since I visited, and how much longer it's been since I lived there (seven years, SEVEN! And only one trip back...did you hear that? That was another piece of my heart crying). I don't care where I move: Wales, Ireland, England, Scotland. It changes each year; currently Scotland is again at the top of the list. "But it rains all the time over there, and you can't understand a word they say, and they eat sheep guts for crying out loud!" I don't care. All it took was one road trip through the southern-most portion up to Edinburgh and I was in love. (We actually passed by a castle-esk mansion on the way back, and once it was pointed out to me, I semi-jokingly cried out the window, "Marry me?!" Semi-jokingly. If any of you happen to know a strapping young Scotsman looking for a lass...). I want to study history and archaeology at Oxford (for free). I want to hike from the mouth of the Thames to where it merely trickles out of the ground. I want to spend a night out on the lonely moors listening to the wind, just to see if the ghostly tales are true. I want to be an itinerant librarian for a whole farming community (they do it in South America, why not the hills of Ireland?)

But where am I? Just here. I'm getting tired of being asked, "What's new with you?" and having nothing to reply with other than, "Just work, and church, and hanging out with friends and family." All very nice. And to be honest, all very much what I am called to be doing right now. But I want to GO, to SEE, to EXPERIENCE, to BE. It's so hard to do on a limited salary. Some part of me keeps saying, "Sara, if you just put so much aside each month." But honestly, I don't know that I would have what I'd need had I started doing that 10 years ago. Things keep coming up, like my old car nearly dying on me several hundreds of dollars worth at a time, or buying a truck because I was afraid the car was going to fall apart on the highway, or chiropractic appointments to get my scoliosis straightened out (which it almost has, Praise the Lord!). Then there's the little things, like eating, having internet to write these blogs and watch Doctor Who episodes, putting gas in that extremely thirsty little truck.

My heart keeps asking God, "When?!" But honestly, my mind never listens to hear if there's an answer. Because in my mind, it's just all too hard. I don't have the money; I don't have a job over there; I don't want to leave my job here; I can't go just for a month because I can't leave my job for that long; I'm a single young woman who can't go by herself, it's not safe. But my biggest is hold-back is that I'm really afraid God will answer my "When" and say, "Never." I'm afraid that all I got were those 9 months and 1 week back seven and four years ago. And I'm afraid to actually leave. I love my church, I love my family, I love my job. And I really, really don't like change.

But there's a part of me that is so longing to just go....